Life runs backwards

,yrc ot reisae eb dluow tI

.eil a llet ot, daeh ym dloh oT

,enola os dna tsol gnileeF

.enob ot niks, yzarc gnioG

,kciht erauqs eno, reyal hcae leeP

.kciuq siht dne, won siht dnE

,oot selcyc, sdrawkcab snur efiL

.hguorht m’i kniht I, dehsurc si luoS.

Rewind.

Stop.

Go.

Again.

Life runs .sdrawkcab

Life runs forwards,

To a land of hope and truth,

Feeling the closeness since the day I met you.

Like a lightning bolt, awakening my heart,

A touch of pure beauty, a look from the start.

To fight it or feel it, to hold it or dream,

The life of the crazy, the life of Little Beam.

You looked right through me, to the depths of my being,

You didn’t disown me, you kept looking and seeing.

You didn’t turn or run, or wonder what for,

Instead you just held me, and made me believe more.

From the stars in the skies, I thank you for you,

For helping me to feel a love that is true.

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Rocking

The retreat has begun, a retreat from people, from space and time. Trust withdraws, isolation is initated, focus turns directly to head down, hide, disappear.

Time spins backwards, I walk alongside myself, allowing the distance between to gather pace and haze. Separate and leave, wandering lost, confused, alone. This is comfort.

But true comfort is someone to pull the pieces together, and to hold those tight, to look you deeply in the eyes and tell you they love you, to say they are there, that you’re heard, you’re safe….that it wasn’t your fault. That too is hidden.

The head lowers further down, the eyes drawn away, the hurt and pain nauseating, anger is inward, building like a furnace, flashbacks, flashforwards, becomes one and the same. You follow your footprints, find yourself in a corner, in a childlike pose seen one too many times before. Rocking, just rocking, closing your eyes and holding your ears to make it go away.

But it’s bigger and brighter than ever….’hold on little beam’ – I whisper, this too shall pass, we too shall pass.

Swan Lake

Life has a funny way of twisting and turning, and each time it does, I always think I have a handle on it. The truth is, I never will, but the illusion of control helps me to go those extra steps and have less fear about the next twist or turn.

These twists and turns of life were explored beautifully on a recent course, how to love yourself delivered by the Street Philosopher (https://alexiaelliott.blog). As is always the case with these courses, the embedding and continual learning takes place outside of the four walls. The day was beautiful and full of like-minded people giving up their hearts for a few hours to be navigated through the Hero’s Journey.

What I didn’t expect was to then start to see the Hero’s Journey unfold in so many areas of my life – quite a stupid thought really because our lives are full of them on a continual basis of living! And yet, here I am again facing a new Hero’s Journey – one that I did not expect to be in, but that I am in none the less, and that has already opened my heart and mind in ways that I never even dreamed.

But with it brings fear, memories of old, feelings that I had mismanaged in the past with a new opportunity to make a new and learn. The journey has come at a weird time – the end of the Autumn months into Winter has never really boded well for me, and as the days pass by and November starts to come around, each passing moment increase with anxiety and fear that I will somehow fuck up again and end up back in some institution.

The weird thing is, I haven’t been in one for 15 years – and yet for 15 years I have let fear riddle me for, quite literally, months – to keep me on the edge of suspense like some Eastenders drumbeat, waiting for the months to pass, to see some spring bulbs and whisper to myself – “phew, I survived”.

I pondered on whether this was the reason I tend not to stop; I try to work continuously so as not to give my mind too much pause for thought – too much time for the voices to pop up and batter me down. I was recently reminded to take some ‘chill’ time and found myself at a Country Park, overlooking the lakes, the swans and moon – and there they were – 5 minutes in – the mind opens and they returned like old faithful friends – voices – I had let them back in.

I listened to them for a while – of their supposed words of wisdom – forgetting how loud they can be in the moments of silence and birdsong as they all carried me around the lake. Whereas in the past I would fight the moment, this time I rested with them. This time I tried to hug them back – however much energy they were zapping. This time I listened and challenged but stayed quiet until I had become numb again, out of body, just planning and rehearsing endings.

These voices and planning mentality are, in some respects, my greatest ally – they continually try to tell me something that is out of balance in life – whether physically, mentally or spiritually – and although it may not feel like it in those moments of solitude and insanity, somehow a glimmer of a little beam always shines through to keep the steps going in order to find the message.

When I returned to the other side of the lake, one lone swan remained swimming in my direction and stopped right before me – just looking and connecting directly under the moon – as if the world stopped still – and so did the voices – with a realisation that although my mind, heart and thoughts might feel a little manic at the minute, stillness will come and be beautiful – just like the swan on that lake, under the moon  – all in a single moment.

But what that swan taught me most of all is the importance of connecting at that moment. My past has been to retreat, to lose my voice, to disconnect, dissociate,  mask it, wall it – any which way other than to say – can you just give me a hug for a minute because I might need one?

Today I got a hug from a swan – but the reality is, I probably need a few more – and to know all will be okay – as it always is. That November isn’t anything to fear anymore, it is just another month, all be it, maybe to acknowledge it does bring a lot of fear and sadness with it.

For today, I am grateful for that Swan, for the small Hero’s Journey that it took me on in the space of a morning – and the wisdom and truth that has been gained through its beauty.

Creativity Connection

“…sometimes when we are beating ourselves up, we need to stop and say to that harassing voice inside, “Man, I’m doing the very best I can right now.”

– Brene Brown

If you know me, you know I LOVE Brene – in fact, I would potentially divorce my current wife for her – don’t worry, my wife is aware of this too! And I would also need that small piece of Brene falling in love with me…minor hurdle…

Anyway, her words really stuck with me this morning as I had a weird flashback moment born out of creativity. I am a HUGE lover of music, and for the longest time, I stopped listening to a lot of music altogether. In fact, last week was the first time I picked up my guitar for YEARS!!! I loved playing it for a good hour, just losing myself in the sound and moment (although I forgot how much my tiny wee fingers would hurt when you haven’t practiced for sometime!!)

Where was I, arhhh yes – I stopped listening to music altogether for some time. This was mainly because music has such a huge impact for me at a deep soulful level, often I feel that I can connect with my soul’s voice through a melody or the words of a song. More often than not, it is not even the words but the individual instruments which I can hear chattering amongst themselves to create a beautiful dance for the ears, heart, soul, and mind to fall into. But time and time again, the music has helped me to fall too far and not get back up quite so quickly.

I am always aware of music and the impact that it has on me. I have to be mindful that in literally the first beat of a song, I can be taken back to a time I don’t always wish to be. Or likewise, a resounding base sound can make me feel like I am jumping through the clouds and oceans with no one watching. It can be invigorating as much as it can be painful and harrowing.

Which songs do this? From Energy 52s – Cafe Del Mar, to Massive Attacks Unfinished Sympathy, to Above & Beyond’s Prelude, to Emelie Sande’s Heaven, to M83 Outro – I am transported to a world that I don’t even know exists and a moment where my soul takes over, and my mind steps back – it’s like every cell is connecting, every neuron and synapse vibrating and dancing through the trickles of blood that lie between their cells and living and just totally being anything other than human. It’s the feeling of your heartbeat and feeling it soften or being stung sometimes through memories, but each time coming back stronger.

On the flip side – there are songs that make me curl up and become that inner child, lost and confused by the world – feeling vulnerable and afraid – longing for salvation and freedom. Coldplay Fix You or Radiohead Fake Plastic Trees or Max Richter She Remembers or Yann Tiersen Comptine d’un autre ete or Craig Armstrong Green Light or Craig Armstrong Romeo & Juliet…. (damn that Craig…..)…..but ultimately, I listen and watch as my soul cowers, cries, screams, feels all the craziness of old.

Imagine seeing someone in distress, tears streaming, their hands over their ears, confused, scared, desperate – this is how I feel watching myself in these moments of music, wanting to reach out and hold them, hush them to comfort, care for them – but there is a void between, and they are lost to the world, they are lost to the darkness, they are lost to the music, I can’t save them…..

Today, this came out of the blue – but this time it was something new experienced – it was not distress, or confusion – it was utter shame – as the haunting monks sang out and voices in chorus rose to a song I had never heard before this morning – but in that instant, I was sat in a Church as a child feeling utterly ashamed, lost, worthless and dirty. I had no control of my soul as it cried in pain and purged the sins it felt. I felt the confusion again – a loss of control – but ultimately, I felt the mass of oppression and shame that I had felt for years as a ‘sinner’ of the Church and a ‘sinner’ within my family.

After regaining my thoughts, car now stopped and walking through a local country park, totally confused by any spiritual connection or meaning, questioning what it is I am meant to be a part of, if not God, arguing with Mother Earth who I feel I have no clue where to find her in the telephone book – because quite frankly, who even has a telephone book these days and because there is no Bible on this mystical woman to advise (I need to read the black and white sometimes haha.)….I stopped, sat by the water’s edge and just breathed. I realised, at that moment, the beauty of music – I feel fortunate that I can FEEL at all, but especially to be able to connect with creativity to such a level that it draws out all of my vulnerability and fears for me to address.

Yes – on the one hand the music this morning has made me realise I am still fucked off with God – and also made me realise I need to write a few things down about the experiences I have had with this super-duper-so-called-power.

But I also had the realisation that my writing needs to take a turn – a turn towards helping others, using my experiences and ‘somewhat’ gained knowledge to be able to translate the compass of life that can be often crazy and fucked up. Now is the time that I have to trust in my wings, to find a new path and career that is one of my heart, not of my mind. To say I am fucking scared is an understatement, I keep talking myself out of it, convincing myself I have nothing to offer or likewise, not intelligent enough to be able to do it – but I have good allies that will help to trim my wings should I need – and more importantly, I have to find and take a leap of faith and trust that I am good enough…..because if I don’t, I will continue to trap myself in a cageless vacuum.

So with that, I will leave these last words to my future wife, Brene…..

Oh, but before I do, just as I am finishing this article, M83 Outro has just come on the radio……of all the songs in the world…..this one has JUST COME ON……fate?! Sometimes this universe will find ways to show us we are exactly in the right place, at the right time, doing the right things……

So, back to Brene….

“The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”
I will also add this in – because it truly is one of my all-time fave songs – I always giggle when I see this music video. Hopefully I am not the only one who wonders what their ‘life movie’ would look like – well, mine would look and sound like this –

Truth or Denial….

“You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.” Ernest Hemingway

Oh, but how I have tried Mr Hemingway! The art of denial is something mastered over years, often with a fierce interplay of negative self-talk, bashing of the brain and a newly-painted face mask to hide the craziness that is slowly infiltrating behind the eyes.

We live in a world of denial – it allows us to create time and space to gather our thoughts, select the pace we wish to work at, and hide under the covers ready to one day grab our big-bollocks to face the fear. I doubt I am the only one. Most people, given the choice to face a hideous and terrifying truth or to conveniently avoid it, choose the convenience and peace of normality – thus denial is born.

Denial is the lid on our emotional pressure cooker: the longer we leave it on, the more pressure we build up. Sooner or later, that pressure is bound to pop the lid, and we have an emotional crisis. – Susan Forward

As a child, I lived through various forms of denial, but interestingly, the one that tends to rear it’s little head (every so often) is around sexuality. I lived for years in denial – do I or don’t I love women? Do I or don’t I love men? This couldn’t be clearer than my bedroom walls adorned with Kylie and Jason posters – ohhhh who to choose! Having faced this demon of old, I find it fascinating that I often feel the repeat offender being called to the courts for judgement – mainly the judgement coming from my own stories, expectations, morals, beliefs and fears.

Take for example the simple act of holding someone’s hand in public – i.e. your better-looking other-half (atleast that is what your other half calls themselves 🙂 ). I did not manage to hold someone of the same-sexes hand in public until I was 30! And even then, I hated it. I still hate it – because it is easier in those moments to deny who I am and receive a better response from onlooking eyes by not holding hands than it is to hold the one you love. As for kissing in public – don’t even get me started. All of it makes me incredibly uneasy – but sometimes, I force myself to at least push that boundary – to either establish if I was right in the first place to retreat and wave the white flag of forgiveness from society, God and the mama-almighty OR realise that I am stronger than I think and that MOST people actually couldn’t give a flying fuck whose hand I hold.

What I have realised is that denial does not solve the problem. Denial does not make the problem go away. Denial does not give us peace of mind, which is what we are really seeking when we engage in it. Denial is a liar that keeps us chained away from the actual solution we need.

A couple of weeks ago I resigned from my job. It probably wasn’t the best timing, however, I have lived through many times in my life whereby I waited hoping life would change, only to realise I needed to be the change.

I have spent much of my life in relationships or jobs thinking ‘this is my lot’ and ‘I picked this so deal’ and ‘I can’t do better than this anyway’ that I became trapped and unhappy. Those scenarios were a reminder of the lies I told myself to keep myself trapped – because it required me to compare whether it was easier to stay, live in denial, and feel pain OR leave, feel the pain, but live.

I promised myself, having found the courage to change years ago, that should similar scenarios arise again, I wouldn’t wait this time for the numerous years of pain. That, although the change would be hard, I needed to have the belief that I would get through it and be happy.

Like any good story, the ending is sometimes not what you expect. Having discussed the unhappiness of work at home, and the dreams and aspirations that I had, I believed (maybe wrongly), that happiness far outweighed any other area (financially being viable of course). With head held high, and courageous balls finally at the ready, I delivered the news of my resignation to my boss.

What I didn’t plan for was the change of heart from home and impending questions of my sanity, or feared insanity, from others close by.

You see, history has a way of repeating itself – whether we like to see it or not (again part of our denial illusionist nature). For previously, some of my most courageous changes have come at the extreme depths of despair and depression – of hitting rock bottom with a limited view of the top, let alone life. Therefore, many people had linked a HUGE decision of change by me as a part of my insane mind – linking the two like tweedle dee and dumb! I will leave you to decide which is dumb!

However, having worked through years of that ‘stuff’ and even with those around me knowing of these magical changes – it was easier STILL to label the insane and grab the straight jacket than it was to harness the vulnerability, courage and power to succeed.

Having said that, when you are faced with a requirement to display courage, it often halts others in their own personal tracks as it amplifies their own issues and insecurities. Often this is then projected onto the courageous one in order to box, detain, and safely return to a world of normality where the earth will continue to rotate and be hunky-dory!

Needless to say, to appease the masses, I decided to withdraw my resignation. Sometimes it isn’t about giving up but selecting the battles. The difference from history is that the battle isn’t over; one day the dreams and aspirations will come, it is a matter of timing and rebuilding of self-belief and courage. Sometimes we take knocks, sideway dance shuffles even, but that doesn’t mean we are down and out – if anything it means we are just getting started. The unfortunate part is knowing that some folk will be lost on the way.

How do I know this? I had to draw on strength of who I used to be. Would I class myself as being the UFC Champ of courage – FUCK NO! However, I have a little more about me than I used to. Even in previous years, when I wasn’t as strong, I somehow still found the strength to leave a relationship, when the easiest thing would have been to ‘accept my lot’ and stay fighting because it was ‘expected’ by others and likewise this was ‘my choice in the first place – so deal’. I firmly believed I did not deserve better.

However, I had to realise that by staying, I was not only stopping my heart from truly living but theirs too and that if I had any feelings what-so-ever of kindness towards them and myself, I had to leave. They too needed and deserved someone who gave 100%, not an okay percent. I realised we both deserved better regardless of the initial pain of leaving.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”― Anais Nin

Remember, courage is not the absence of fear, courage is fear walking. But fear walking leads to so much more than we ever could dream possible.

Life is too short not to be happy and to live it being ‘okay’ with just ‘okay’. And if you are happy with okay – then that is okay too. But if you question it, even the tiniest amount, ask yourself Why.

Why can’t all aspects of life be magical? Why can’t we all have the lives, travels, loves, and losses we wish to experience? Knowing, with a true heart and self-belief that, if it doesn’t work out – that’s okay because some new giant leaps of happiness are just around the corner.

Every dewdrop of happiness that we receive is one more beautiful part filling up our soul’s energy.

To deny ourselves TRUE happiness and love is to deny our soul’s true experience of living – denial stops everything, like a river dam full of wind chopped trees. Our lives become blocked, with surges of water trying to push us through to feel, traverse and see something else enlightening further down the stream.

Our voice, our courage, allows us to move those trees and feel the ripples of water, bask in the smell of the rainfall, and softly touch the land as it moves against our skin.

In those moments we become alive and ride the kayak of life as it should be paddled – wholehearted, free, and radiant.

“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ — all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself — that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness — that I myself am the enemy who must be loved — what then? As a rule, the Christian’s attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us “Raca,” and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung,

Dear Mr-God

I have written to your female counterpart, so thought you deserved some attention too….

Dear Mr-God,

I don’t believe we have met, or if we have, I somehow think you turned your back in disgust. Atleast, that is what I am led to believe.

You see, I have some questions Mr God…or is it Mrs…or are you a little bit of an ego hogger like Madonna and prefer just your first name? For now, lets stick with God.

So – Question 1 – why place an apple in a tree whereby a hungry woman, probably one who was premenstrual craving sweet stuff, could find it?

Question 2 – for all those that think you are all powerful – let’s remind them that you fucked up once, had to flood the lands, get a bloke to build an ark, and save some animals cos you couldn’t be bothered to start again..  Oh but then, if you did really kill everyone off and save Noah and his family, I can now assume we are born out of incest?! Fucked up there again I see! Welcome to the world of fuckedupditude Dear God!

Question 3 – exactly how did Mary get pregnant through a flash of light when millions struggle to even get an IVF appointment on the NHS? I mean, justice from the lovable you is not your strong point.

Question 4 – speaking of justice – great that you performed some magical shit to get the said lady preggers, but then you sacrifice your poor boy on some sticks. I do believe childline was created for people facing parents like you. I also believe, if I had a child and sentenced him to death on a cross, I would probably be in prison or a mental institution. But you?! Nope – let’s celebrate the event by giving presents and decorating eggs!

Question 5 – these things called sins. When did you come to the agreement with Slimming World that they could use your terminology? More to the point, let’s go back to question 2 where you murdered hundreds because you fucked up your original design. Does that make you a sinner too? Oh sorry, I forgot, we brought that upon ourselves and thus needed punishment. Next, you’ll probably be telling me men cant love men and women cant love women when your biggest gift was love?!?! Weird that.

I mean, we could go on. But the truth is, weirdly I have this romanticism of wanting to believe in you – in a dreamworld of what I think a God is – of its link to fate or coincidence – of a greater plan already set out for me whilst I feel totally fucked (in many and numerous senses of the word). Yet, I feel upset thinking you might not be there, and probably never were – just a larger than life Santa (to be fair, you groom your beard better).

Then I think, am I feeling this way because I am angry at you – that you didn’t save me – or likewise millions of others – from pain, or abuse, or hunger, or loneliness or whatever other injustices there are in this world to this day! I mean, if you own these lands and these people within it, surely you are now the biggest serial killer or Mafia Godfather this galaxy has ever known?? I guess instead you watched, getting your kicks, no greater than a paedophile getting there’s.

For now, I still have no clue. I still feel gutted, I still want the romantic ending. But I know, in truth, I have ended up soulless because of you – whether real or not – your supposed words and teachings have done enough either way.

So, with that, I just have one thing to say….as my advisor….and in the words of those eejits Alan Sugar and Donald Trump….. You’re Fired.

Peace Out

X

Touch – Hybrid Minds

Sometimes, someone else’s words say it all….

Open my mouth to breathe the words to you
The words just won’t come out, so I cried
Write on the canvas built from feeling
Emotion persevering inside

It’s just one touch to open, one touch to close
One touch to show me not all minds are cold
One touch to loosen, loosen the hold
One touch to free me from falling down on my own

No shadow, darkness I am falling no more
I never felt like this before
No shadow, darkness I am falling no more
I never felt like this before

I never felt like this before

Kaleidoscope of Dreams

When was the last time you played with a Kaleidoscope?

Have you ever noticed how every kid is mesmerised by the dancing of colours, the shapes that navigate each other to form a beautiful picture – the excitement and wonder as something new unfolds.

Rarely do we see or understand the brokenness between each picture, solely focussed on the outcome and basking in the beautiful magic that unfolds.

As we place the Kaleidoscope up to the heavens, to the light, raising our head so that stardust can set its magical wings on a stained glass snowflake – the light shines through and finally we see it.

And yet, without these broken pieces, none of the magic would exist at all.

Life can be our Kaleidoscope of dreams – each broken piece and colour masked for a while until something beautiful emerges. Each time having to raise our head, seeking out some light, before a Eureka moment arrives.

But handling this change, looking directly through the lens of the kaleidocospe of life, can be the difficult part. Unlike the kaleidoscope moment, we can’t just change our hand and hope that something new unfolds. But it does require energy and effort to make it so, just like life.

Often we turn our heads away from change, turning it towards denial or fear – fear of failure? Fear of reality? Change forces our hand to turn the wheel and face up to the unknown. And if we don’t, we never get to see to the beautiful image that might be unfolding before us.

Change brings fear – it requires trust – it requires letting go, having belief and faith in something unknown that all will be okay. I remember the first time diving in the darkest of oceans or the first time jumping from a plane – in both scenarios the fear was incredible – the unknown unfolding, the giving up of control, the anxiety, and anticipation.

But with this I now realise that, like life, change forces our minds to go into overdrive, to create chaotic stories to suppress us and move us back to our comfort of survival. The stories could be anything from – I will be eaten by a Shark to the parachute won’t open – both of which nearly happened but that’s another blog. The big question is – what are we gaining from that comfort? If we keep going back there? What are we not living, what are we not feeling or sharing? Yes – comfort is safe – but even that is an illusion and story that we have created at some point.

Life is ever moving and ever-changing. The only ones who tend to stand still and allow it to unravel around them are the ones looking in the mirror. Change is happening anyway, it’s just whether you wish to see it, whether you wish to hold it and move with it. And if you don’t, that is TOTALLY cool too – because that is how life was meant to be in that given moment for that person.

How many times, throughout life, have the stories we have told ourselves never lived up to their true chaotic nature? It is always far worse in our head, we learn, we survive, we grow, and we go again. The darkest of oceans and the freefall from a plane are THE most tranquil places on earth, far from the chaotic stories my brain had been creating.

As a self-proclaimed control-freak at times, and having major issues in trusting people, I know that sometimes, in order to change, in order to connect and feel true emotion, I have to just let go – for just a second – to discover the beauty behind the magic of the picture, to have faith that regardless of what happens, I will come through it.

Does that scare me? Every single minute of every day. I would go as far to say I hate it – I hate vulnerability, of someone knowing me, of the shame and dirt that seaps through my veins – but I have to hope in them too, that one day I might be able to trust totally and in turn, that they will look beyond some of the not-so-nice stuff and see the kaleidoscope into my soul and just be – for a second – okay with me.

If people wish to join in on that process, all the more beautiful – for wouldn’t it be incredible to view the intensity of art or a sunset or a moment of bliss and talk about it, people seeing and experiencing something together? That would be the dream, the hope. But, then, everyone has their own Kaleidoscope to hold, so who knows how they will turn it.

Regardless of the stories, of the ‘what if’s’ –  a Kaleidoscope moment – that in itself will be a memory worth holding onto.

The stomach brain!

Imagine for a second if we were born with our ears on our heart, or our nose on our genitals, or our brains in our stomach or stomach in our heads. Imagine if, when we ate some beautiful, tasty food, our heads started to bloat from the food, expanding our stomach into our eyes.

It’s a pretty funny image isn’t it – but one that you have to create in your mind (which happily is firmly in your skull) in order to giggle at the funniness of it. Truth is, these are actually not too far from reality.

As someone placed on anti-depressants from a young age, I was often told that my biochemistry was slightly off target (so to speak) and my serotonin levels were not producing enough sunshine-rays-of-light to my cells. As an all-abiding disciplined citizen, I did not question how they measured my serotonin levels from merely looking at me, I just duly took the drugs (good citizen me!)

Fast forward, almost 20 years, and I have a little more knowledge behind me. I find it amazing that we actually produce almost 90% of our bodies serotonin in our digestive tract. I wonder what would have happened, 20 years ago, had the doctor asked me about my digestion or started to work on my nutrition and health – interesting thought huh.

But I am not here to talk about serotonin, or even where it is produced. I am actually wanting to touch on our hearts having ears. Because they actually do. We spend so often ‘hearing’ with the things on the side of our heads and believing that we feel with our heart, but I actually believe that our heart listens too – in many respects, it actually listens first which then elicits the feeling.

Our sensory organs, and I include our intuition here, are all explicitly linked and yet we often view them in their separate entities. Likewise, the organs and systems of the body are often seen in their individual contexts (I can easily refer back to brain serotonin vs digestive serotonin) yet, they have to work together in order to survive at all. Look on the larger scale, and the human population as a whole could be seen as a system, and yet what do we do? Compare and separate ourselves out, missing the links that we all share to survive.

Every level – from cellular to organ to system to being to tribe to community to population to city to country to world over – all viewed with one closed tunnel vision of singular vision.

Here’s a thought – can we all be bi-focal for a minute and buy some new funky specs?

What if we beings are actually the mitochondria of one big cell, the energy powerhouse, the oceans being cellular fluid, and the earth a tiny capsule that it sits within. The Planets forming an organ, that breathes life into one larger system, some may call Mother Nature or a God?

But we can’t see this – we have closed ourself off to this side of our imagination, this greater being, this element of our souls that connects us all.

Why and how did this happen? When did our cells split and become so closed off?

As our cells split, does our soul split too?

If that is the case, how does that work with reproduction when the cells have to split and multiply many times over to in order to fuse and bond to form a new structure, a new limb or a gill!

But then I realise, as humans in the living form, unlike our reproductive-sperm-egg-little selves, we missed the key ingredient – we have not fused and bonded – we have disconnected – and we are disconnecting more and more each day – with eachother AND with ourselves!

Where do we go from here? Have some bi-focal vision – or simply open your beautiful eyes, and listen with your heart.

If there is one element of life that you can connect with today, that you can fuse and bond with – DO IT.

Be it nature, a crinkled oak tree, a bruised butterfly, an old friend, – reach out – tell someone you love them and think they are special (friend, foe or otherwise).

If we do this many times over, imagine the difference the cells of this planet could make….

As for the nose on the genitals,  let’s be thankful the nose is where it is 🙂

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